Sunday, March 28, 2010
Getting Emotional
So, yesterday I did something that I am not too proud of but that was necessary nonetheless.
I told my dad off. Hard.
I usually try to keep my emotions in check and as such I have never really allowed myself to get angry at him unless I am alone. I never get truly angry or upset, or really anything at all. I know how dangerous it is to become too emotionally invested in a situation and lose your head and so I keep myself at a distance always so I know that I can limit the damage my emotions do to people. Obviously this isn't always a foolproof plan but I think nonetheless it is a plan that has worked for me and that I can live with.
(Note, the following story is biased...I can't help it but I'm trying not to be too bad....)
Yesterday though, I got caught up in the moment. My dad was telling my Mom off for not picking him up sooner to take him to pick up his car as he had taken it in to get the tires changed. But, my brother was off at a band competition so she was attending this with him (and I as I am hope for the week). My dad called telling her to come pick him up because his car was ready. She told him that he had to wait because she was helping my brother's band and was about to watch his show. She reminded him that she had told him that the earliest time she could do this was at about 6. It was 5.
He proceeded to tell her off and then hang up the phone on her.
We finished watching my brother's show and helping the band and immediately left (as in 3 minutes or less after his show ended not staying for awards). We raced over to our house to pick him up. On the way I called to tell him that we were close and to ask that he wait for us outside to expedite the process as we had to get back to my brother who needed to be picked up in about 20 minutes.
When we arrived, he wasn't outside.
After calling him again and getting ignored (2 rings...come on) he leisurely walked outside.
I don't fully remember this part...I apologize.
He was criticizing her inability to be available to pick him up earlier and she replied (rather harshly) that he should have simply stayed nearby as it only took about an hour and a half.
He replied saying that it had been longer. (I don't know how long it was but it did not seem to be longer than 2 hours at the most).
He proceed to criticize her for reasons not related to picking him up and she got upset.
Here, I responded chastising him for being inept at being able to understand the most basic needs of his family and subsequently his inability to be a proper father.
He responded with harsh criticism to my Mother on how poorly she raised me as evidenced by my lack of respect for him.
I replied (yelling) chastising him for being an unfit father and an even worse husband for his constant belittling of my Mother and his utter disregard for other people. Ultimately ending by saying that "I do respect people, but only people who deserve respect, which you obviously do not". I continued by saying that "I cannot wait until you [my dad] move to Texas [as he is doing within the next 2 months for a job] so I never have to see your sorry face again".
Not my smartest moment. My heart was racing and I could feel the adrenaline pulse through my body...my hands were shaking and even as I type it is hard to stop them from shaking.
He proceeded to belittle my attack by chastising my Mother again and making a belittling and childlike "uuuh" he does whenever I lambast him for his poor parenting in a poor attempt to slough it off.
We rode the rest of the 5 minutes in utter silence as I shook with rage attempting to stop myself from continuing my bombardment, my Mother drove in silent solemnity and my father I hope sat in silence reflecting on his poor decisions in parenting.
So yea, I kinda messed that one up.
While I keep my emotions in check in general, I simply cannot do so when my father is involved or when someone attacks my Mother. I wish I could if only to avert moments like this but I know that these moments come few and far between and also it is my deep caring for my Mother that drives this and I don't want to lose that.
So, I have to figure out what to do. I know that I ruined this relationship (due to this and many other smaller incidents) but at the same time I can't help but think that I can't be held at fault for this.
True, my hatred of my father is unbridled. But, it isn't ok that I unleash such rage on my father. Depsite this though, he treated my Mother, brother, and I so horribly through his psychological and verbal attacks that I have lost all respect for him. You simply cannot treat a human as dirt as long as he has without some sort of animosity appearing. Moreover, I know that I have deep-seated psychological issues that I can trace to him and cannot hope to address at any point in the near future much less what he did to my Mother or brother.
So, what am i to do? Simply live with the fact that I completely emasculated my father and despise him to the point that I hope I never see him again and that he lives alone for the rest of his life?
Does anyone deserve the thought I have for him? Or should I take a good-hard look at myself and how I have reacted to him and contemplate what I deserve in my treatment of the situation....
What's an existential college student to do?
I told my dad off. Hard.
I usually try to keep my emotions in check and as such I have never really allowed myself to get angry at him unless I am alone. I never get truly angry or upset, or really anything at all. I know how dangerous it is to become too emotionally invested in a situation and lose your head and so I keep myself at a distance always so I know that I can limit the damage my emotions do to people. Obviously this isn't always a foolproof plan but I think nonetheless it is a plan that has worked for me and that I can live with.
(Note, the following story is biased...I can't help it but I'm trying not to be too bad....)
Yesterday though, I got caught up in the moment. My dad was telling my Mom off for not picking him up sooner to take him to pick up his car as he had taken it in to get the tires changed. But, my brother was off at a band competition so she was attending this with him (and I as I am hope for the week). My dad called telling her to come pick him up because his car was ready. She told him that he had to wait because she was helping my brother's band and was about to watch his show. She reminded him that she had told him that the earliest time she could do this was at about 6. It was 5.
He proceeded to tell her off and then hang up the phone on her.
We finished watching my brother's show and helping the band and immediately left (as in 3 minutes or less after his show ended not staying for awards). We raced over to our house to pick him up. On the way I called to tell him that we were close and to ask that he wait for us outside to expedite the process as we had to get back to my brother who needed to be picked up in about 20 minutes.
When we arrived, he wasn't outside.
After calling him again and getting ignored (2 rings...come on) he leisurely walked outside.
I don't fully remember this part...I apologize.
He was criticizing her inability to be available to pick him up earlier and she replied (rather harshly) that he should have simply stayed nearby as it only took about an hour and a half.
He replied saying that it had been longer. (I don't know how long it was but it did not seem to be longer than 2 hours at the most).
He proceed to criticize her for reasons not related to picking him up and she got upset.
Here, I responded chastising him for being inept at being able to understand the most basic needs of his family and subsequently his inability to be a proper father.
He responded with harsh criticism to my Mother on how poorly she raised me as evidenced by my lack of respect for him.
I replied (yelling) chastising him for being an unfit father and an even worse husband for his constant belittling of my Mother and his utter disregard for other people. Ultimately ending by saying that "I do respect people, but only people who deserve respect, which you obviously do not". I continued by saying that "I cannot wait until you [my dad] move to Texas [as he is doing within the next 2 months for a job] so I never have to see your sorry face again".
Not my smartest moment. My heart was racing and I could feel the adrenaline pulse through my body...my hands were shaking and even as I type it is hard to stop them from shaking.
He proceeded to belittle my attack by chastising my Mother again and making a belittling and childlike "uuuh" he does whenever I lambast him for his poor parenting in a poor attempt to slough it off.
We rode the rest of the 5 minutes in utter silence as I shook with rage attempting to stop myself from continuing my bombardment, my Mother drove in silent solemnity and my father I hope sat in silence reflecting on his poor decisions in parenting.
So yea, I kinda messed that one up.
While I keep my emotions in check in general, I simply cannot do so when my father is involved or when someone attacks my Mother. I wish I could if only to avert moments like this but I know that these moments come few and far between and also it is my deep caring for my Mother that drives this and I don't want to lose that.
So, I have to figure out what to do. I know that I ruined this relationship (due to this and many other smaller incidents) but at the same time I can't help but think that I can't be held at fault for this.
True, my hatred of my father is unbridled. But, it isn't ok that I unleash such rage on my father. Depsite this though, he treated my Mother, brother, and I so horribly through his psychological and verbal attacks that I have lost all respect for him. You simply cannot treat a human as dirt as long as he has without some sort of animosity appearing. Moreover, I know that I have deep-seated psychological issues that I can trace to him and cannot hope to address at any point in the near future much less what he did to my Mother or brother.
So, what am i to do? Simply live with the fact that I completely emasculated my father and despise him to the point that I hope I never see him again and that he lives alone for the rest of his life?
Does anyone deserve the thought I have for him? Or should I take a good-hard look at myself and how I have reacted to him and contemplate what I deserve in my treatment of the situation....
What's an existential college student to do?
Coding!
So, I hope you enjoy the new template for the blog. I stole the base design (as evidenced from the bottom tag. But, I did some creative edits (not going to explain here as it is quite boring).
But, I am going to be tweaking it for a while because I'm not completely sold on it just yet...who knows, the layout may completely change by tomorrow. I'm not sure right now.
But, I am going to be tweaking it for a while because I'm not completely sold on it just yet...who knows, the layout may completely change by tomorrow. I'm not sure right now.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
My Failblog
Alas, I have failed you again my dear reader(s). I always assume that I have the wherewithal to use a blog and post to it properly and to ensure that it acts as it should (in my mind) as a place to openly fulfill some vain act of catharsis and exhibitionism at the same time. But, my life always seems to get in the way.
I always get too busy...or say that I am. And then fall to other more meaningless attempts at catharsis and exhibitionism in an attempt to achieve the same effect that blogging gives me.
But I feel so empty when I do these other activities as they do not inherently have the same mixture of catharsis and exhibitionism that blogging has.
Why then can I not simply blog?
I believe it stems from some psychological issue. I simply do not feel as if anybody really cares. And if they do, then they should not care about what goes on in my life.
I know that this sounds like a vain attempt to guilt someone in helping me or in giving me the satisfaction to know that I am loved, and loved dearly.
This isn't though.
Simply, this is the hidden nihilist within all of us rearing its ugly head. And now that he has had his time to kvetch he shall go dormant for another few months until his next moment of nihilism must be satiated.
On a better note: I recently spent almost all day with a HUGE hero of mine Ms Jacqueline Novogratz. She is breathtaking and a huge inspiration. Please read up about her. Her story is one for the ages and something everyone should read.
I always get too busy...or say that I am. And then fall to other more meaningless attempts at catharsis and exhibitionism in an attempt to achieve the same effect that blogging gives me.
But I feel so empty when I do these other activities as they do not inherently have the same mixture of catharsis and exhibitionism that blogging has.
Why then can I not simply blog?
I believe it stems from some psychological issue. I simply do not feel as if anybody really cares. And if they do, then they should not care about what goes on in my life.
I know that this sounds like a vain attempt to guilt someone in helping me or in giving me the satisfaction to know that I am loved, and loved dearly.
This isn't though.
Simply, this is the hidden nihilist within all of us rearing its ugly head. And now that he has had his time to kvetch he shall go dormant for another few months until his next moment of nihilism must be satiated.
On a better note: I recently spent almost all day with a HUGE hero of mine Ms Jacqueline Novogratz. She is breathtaking and a huge inspiration. Please read up about her. Her story is one for the ages and something everyone should read.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Thoughts on the Day/Life/Whatever
So, I made a resolution to blog more...and I have found that a bit tiring. It's 12:30 and I haven't done all of my reading for tomorrow (it's not going to happen. I wish it could but it can't...I will be close though.) but I am blogging. Also, I have been quite of an insomniac as of late and subsequently feel as if I should not blog in that state of mind if only out of principle.
Then I realized one of the reasons that I wanted to blog in the first place: to complete some form of catharsis and reflect on the day. With the ultimate hope of freeing my mind a bit and allowing me to focus more clearly on the tasks at hand.
And well, I haven't quite been using it for that. I think I have simply used blogging as a way of affording my life some type of summary or assigning myself tasks to complete in an attempt to better myself.
Quite the opposite of what I wanted to do.
So, here goes.
School--as of late at least--has sucked. I have been focused on the summer and finding some form of internship and my future rather than school. And while it has been the first week, and thus I almost feel entitled to this, I know that I have not been giving school my best.
But, this has also given me quite a lot to do. I have 6 pages of papers for next week, have over 100 pages to read, and several hundred other menial tasks to complete.
And that is just week 1.
I think the main problem is that I have not been focused. I didn't prepare myself mentally for this semester. And I know I should have. This happens every year. But having such a weird schedule does not help either. I don't have class on Friday. and I only have 1 class on Monday and Wednesday, and that starts at 3. So, why bother doing anything before this?
I know I have to. And I will. It's just that...I don't really see any point yet. I feel as if everything is due next week and so that should be when I push myself to the limits.
Sigh.
But I also know that that is not me. I must push myself and I must find a way to motivate myself. I just don't want to right now.....
Ok, now I sound a bit too whiney. I think its time to stop.
Just know, I will get my act together. And it will be soon. And when that time comes, the would should be ready because I will be working faster and better than I ever have been. I feel a motivation stirring just under the surface of my mind that I have never felt before. This will be my semester. I know it.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
WHAT!?
4 BLOGS IN 2 DAYS!!!!! I'M ON A ROLL!!!!!!
Ok, but really. I have taken my Project365 idea very seriously. So, to ensure that I followed through on it I decided to approach it by thinking of what I want out of my project or out of this year in general.
I want to live a better life.
I want to live as a better person.
I want to be willing to accept someone as a part of my life and have a real relationship. (Shocking, I know)
I want to become better at things that I'm not that good at right now.
I want to be happy.
I want a good job in the future and to pursue it.
I want to do well in school.
I want to be more financially secure.
I know that it's a lot. I know that I seem quite needy from all these "wants" but I truly want to work at living a better life. As such, I think I have found my second (or first depending on your view) Project365. I will do something new each day to make my life better.
It can be something as easy as waking up earlier, or eating breakfast. But ultimately, I want to end my project with 365 new additions to my life that make it better and more meaningful.
As such, I am launching a new blog. It's going to be called My Resolution Today. Through this blog, I will track my progress with my new resolutions and hopefully find some help and ideas on the way.
So please, take the time out of your day to help me out there. The link is on the right (or will be soon depending on when you are reading this).
And thanks for reading.
P.S. I'm thinking of changing the name of my blog. Let me know if you have any ideas.
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