Sunday, March 28, 2010

Getting Emotional

So, yesterday I did something that I am not too proud of but that was necessary nonetheless.

I told my dad off. Hard.

I usually try to keep my emotions in check and as such I have never really allowed myself to get angry at him unless I am alone. I never get truly angry or upset, or really anything at all. I know how dangerous it is to become too emotionally invested in a situation and lose your head and so I keep myself at a distance always so I know that I can limit the damage my emotions do to people. Obviously this isn't always a foolproof plan but I think nonetheless it is a plan that has worked for me and that I can live with.

(Note, the following story is biased...I can't help it but I'm trying not to be too bad....)

Yesterday though, I got caught up in the moment. My dad was telling my Mom off for not picking him up sooner to take him to pick up his car as he had taken it in to get the tires changed. But, my brother was off at a band competition so she was attending this with him (and I as I am hope for the week). My dad called telling her to come pick him up because his car was ready. She told him that he had to wait because she was helping my brother's band and was about to watch his show. She reminded him that she had told him that the earliest time she could do this was at about 6. It was 5.

He proceeded to tell her off and then hang up the phone on her.

We finished watching my brother's show and helping the band and immediately left (as in 3 minutes or less after his show ended not staying for awards). We raced over to our house to pick him up. On the way I called to tell him that we were close and to ask that he wait for us outside to expedite the process as we had to get back to my brother who needed to be picked up in about 20 minutes.

When we arrived, he wasn't outside.

After calling him again and getting ignored (2 rings...come on) he leisurely walked outside.

I don't fully remember this part...I apologize.

He was criticizing her inability to be available to pick him up earlier and she replied (rather harshly) that he should have simply stayed nearby as it only took about an hour and a half.

He replied saying that it had been longer. (I don't know how long it was but it did not seem to be longer than 2 hours at the most).

He proceed to criticize her for reasons not related to picking him up and she got upset.

Here, I responded chastising him for being inept at being able to understand the most basic needs of his family and subsequently his inability to be a proper father.

He responded with harsh criticism to my Mother on how poorly she raised me as evidenced by my lack of respect for him.

I replied (yelling) chastising him for being an unfit father and an even worse husband for his constant belittling of my Mother and his utter disregard for other people. Ultimately ending by saying that "I do respect people, but only people who deserve respect, which you obviously do not". I continued by saying that "I cannot wait until you [my dad] move to Texas [as he is doing within the next 2 months for a job] so I never have to see your sorry face again".

Not my smartest moment. My heart was racing and I could feel the adrenaline pulse through my hands were shaking and even as I type it is hard to stop them from shaking.

He proceeded to belittle my attack by chastising my Mother again and making a belittling and childlike "uuuh" he does whenever I lambast him for his poor parenting in a poor attempt to slough it off.

We rode the rest of the 5 minutes in utter silence as I shook with rage attempting to stop myself from continuing my bombardment, my Mother drove in silent solemnity and my father I hope sat in silence reflecting on his poor decisions in parenting.

So yea, I kinda messed that one up.

While I keep my emotions in check in general, I simply cannot do so when my father is involved or when someone attacks my Mother. I wish I could if only to avert moments like this but I know that these moments come few and far between and also it is my deep caring for my Mother that drives this and I don't want to lose that.

So, I have to figure out what to do. I know that I ruined this relationship (due to this and many other smaller incidents) but at the same time I can't help but think that I can't be held at fault for this.

True, my hatred of my father is unbridled. But, it isn't ok that I unleash such rage on my father. Depsite this though, he treated my Mother, brother, and I so horribly through his psychological and verbal attacks that I have lost all respect for him. You simply cannot treat a human as dirt as long as he has without some sort of animosity appearing. Moreover, I know that I have deep-seated psychological issues that I can trace to him and cannot hope to address at any point in the near future much less what he did to my Mother or brother.

So, what am i to do? Simply live with the fact that I completely emasculated my father and despise him to the point that I hope I never see him again and that he lives alone for the rest of his life?

Does anyone deserve the thought I have for him? Or should I take a good-hard look at myself and how I have reacted to him and contemplate what I deserve in my treatment of the situation....

What's an existential college student to do?

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