The End of a Beginning, and Vice Versa

http://tvspike1.tumblr.com/

New website, hopefully will be updated far more frequently than this blog. Alas, we shall see.

btw, do not consider this me leaving blogger as I do like it and it has its merits for long written word that tumblr is simply not good for but I also know that while I may be long-winded at times I prefer to be short and sweet and the fact that I can easily tumbl thoughts, links, etc on tumblr I know it just fits my oft random and hectic life better.

We'll see how long that lasts. >.<

A Change.... Maybe

So, I am horrible at using this blog. I hate it. I wish I had the wherewithal to blog about my life and keep those I love, etc updated via this rather anonymous and (formerly) epitomes method of sharing your life.

But now I realize that this is simply not me. That is why I have had so much trouble committing to it. I am a verbal sharer. All of my friends call me to hear about my latest exploits and know they are always in for a treat and a fantastic story. Yet, in written form I know I cannot quite convey exactly how epic or how dangerous a situation is because the words simply cannot convey what my tone and what my diction do.

But, this is not my last goodbye though it sounds like it. I am thinking of changing this to a tumblr of my exploits, my web searches, my musings, and my latest obsessions. So, while I work on the logistics of that I bid you adieu.

In the mean time, enjoy this delightful youtube video

Notes about the DC Commute

Things to know about the DC commute

1. Wear deodorant. You’re going to have your arm up a lot.
2. Find a way to keep cool, DC is really hot in the mornings and even worse when you have 300 random strangers all cooped up in a tiny metro car together.
3. Bring a book, every day.
4. Know when your stop is like 2 stops beforehand so you can get close to the door (remember, 300 random strangers) by the time your stop comes up (for me its 9, then 4)
5. Don’t take up a full row of seats for yourself, there are 300 strangers who all want to sit down, and if not all of them at least most of them do.
6. iPod, iPod, iPod. But, be sure you keep an awareness for your stops (9 and 4!)
7. Here, it is NOT inappropriate to run unlike every other time in your life outside of working out.
8. Remember your bag! I saw 2 bags left on the metro today. 2!
9. Don’t look scared tourists. We already know you don’t know how to deal with the metro, relax. if you miss your stop its only another 1-5 minutes until another car comes along.
10. Don’t stare at ugly people, you’re not too good looking yourself. (Hilarious back-story here!)

Things I learned on my DC commute

1. Shoes suck. Yea, they’re better to walk 2 miles in compared to flip flops but please. They make you So much hotter. Not cool.
2. Relax, you have a 2 mile walk in the woods. There is no reason to take it too seriously, that is unless you’re late. Then, remember, its also a walk/run/bike trail and you should do one of the latter two options.
3. Pretend like you know what you’re doing, most of the other people are. (Really though, I saw a lady double back after getting off the metro who was obviously on a morning commute she did often.)
4. Plan for unexpected delays. Be they slow metro, ungodly amount of people making you miss the first car for your transfer, or broken escalators they will be there. Also, it doesn’t hurt to be a little early to work.
5. Don’t drink on the metro, people give you dirty looks.
6. Know that your iPod is a zombie. One day it will work, one day it won’t. Take it along nonetheless, you never know when the undead will spring back to life. (Warning though: You may have to hack the old Sir to pieces with a chainsaw bayonet if he starts biting people.)
7. A morning iced coffee makes everything better, and you work within a block to two Starbucks and a Cosi!
8. Chuck is right, Rush is the music of the universe. Tom Sawyer is the BEST song to walk through downtown DC listening to! (Close second is Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap

Stay tuned for more. As the commutes accumulate under my belt I will surely have more insights into commuting in general and DC commutes especially.

On My Feelings for DC....

So, I’ve been meaning to think out my feelings for DC for quite some time. But, with the last weeks of school and finals and then moving out of my room taking over my life, I found it nearly impossible to actually think about my move.....So, here is my attempt to.

Please note though, this is completely stream-of-consciousness and as such should be taken with a grain of salt as it is merely my attempt to process my incredibly life-changing decision to (finally) go out on my own and move to D.C. for the summer.....

And so it begins:

I am scared out of my wits.

There, I said it. This is an insanely drastic and scary change. But, I am really excited. I have the opportunity to try out essentially what I want to do for the rest of my life in the city that I want to do it in!

I mean, who doesn’t want that?

But, I am scared. What if my housing doesn’t work out and I find myself homeless? My bank account can only hold me out for so long (yea, not that long to be truthful). And well, That is scary!

And what if I don’t like it? That would be the scariest thing to occur of all. This has been my dream for years. I mean, pretty much since I really considered thinking about the future I wanted to live in DC. And at that point, I had only visited for a week, during which I dove through a glass table.....

And well, I didn’t know much back then about the real world to be completely honest. Now, I do and I know that it’s a scary place where many people get eaten alive. What if I find that my dream is something that I cannot live with? What if I find that I simply do not belong there? What if.....

And there is much more than that....

My friend who had this internship last year found it horribly disheartening. He had the same basic dream as I did when he went in. And he found that dream shattered when he faced the reality of the situation back at the office.....

While I think he will still be in DC in the end, or at least at some point, I know that it really hit him hard.

What if my dreams are similarly shattered? Can I take that? Can my dreams take that? I mean, I understand that we do not always achieve our dreams and I know that life is hard and all that; but what if my life ends up in that way?

And then there is my living arrangements (again). What if I can’t handle the ridiculous commute, especially at night? I mean, I don’t plan on staying out in DC every night late but I know I want to some nights, I know some really awesome bands are coming. It’s just...well...it’s not like what happened a few weeks ago scares me or anything, I know that I generally am really safe, blah blah blah. But, there is always that what if. And it gets increasingly bigger when I realize that that “what if” has a higher probability to occur....

I mean really though, WHAT IF I DON’T LIKE IT!?

Sorry to be whinny.....

On the brighter side, I am really excited and I love the amazing opportunity that I have been given in being given this internship.

I also know how exciting the stuff I’ll be working on will be. I mean, I’m the intern where i WANT to be in! (For confidentiality’s sake, I’m not saying where and I won’t be saying anything I’m working on unless it has already launched and I’m promoting it here for my friends and family).

*SIGH*

I think ultimately though, I just need to take a giant breath and relax. I mean, it’s somehow managed to work out thus far. I just need my luck to go a little further and carry me into August.

Here’s hoping!

Travel the Way of the 1800, By TRAIN!

Now anyone who know me knows that I LOVE public transportation. In fact that is one of the major contributing factors to why I do not have a license/car. I have always envisioned myself living in a city where I can rely upon public transportation so why bother?

Well, in the past this meant I have been reliant upon the metro and buses. But no more! I have discovered the beauty of Amtrack!

So, in moving to DC for the summer (College Park, MD actually but its right outside so hush!) I needed to find a way to get there. My mind obviously went to planes as that has been my major form of transportation for long distance travel in the past and I knew the route to DC well as I have flown it many times in the past both as a final destination and as a transfer point.

As such, I know the airports VERY well and have preferences and means of transportation out of them all once I get there (Well except Dulles because it’s SO far away! ).

Nonetheless, I realized that having to be financially responsible for the summer as I have a room to pay for I could not afford the steep price of a ticket to DC from Greeneville or from Charlotte, the two airports servicing my area. So I was in a dilemma....

Then I remembered an off-hand comment from my friend Emily. She told me (in a child-live fervor) “You can take the train!”. And so I had my other option, the train. And after looking at the prices, I found them reasonable enough (I mean, I am a poor college student afterall!).

So, I decided to “take the train!” Which thus far (Its been an hour and a half) has been a good idea. While it is a relatively long time (10.5 hours) I also find it really relaxing. It feels like I’m riding a plane with light turbulence very slowly along the ground.

Yea, I guess that’s the best way to describe it. But really, it’s quite fun. There is just some strange nostalgic feeling riding a passenger train along to the nation’s capital.

I cannot feel a strange connection to the Foreign diplomats who arrived in NYC only to be ushered to San Francisco by train through our nation (in a wonderful display of the power aspect of hegemony) to sign the United Nations into law.

It’s so nice to just know I am completely fine riding along on this train through our nation. And oddly, I feel a tinge of nationalism stirring inside of me knowing that I am doing something that is so steeped in American history and tradition while at the same time traveling through the country...all to the nation’s capital! So yea, I guess I have a reason for this nationalistic feeling.....


And more than that, it makes me feel like Chojiro/Sen from Spirited Away...most def one of my top five movies of all time. : D

Almost there-ish

I'm almost halfway through my exam week (I count tomorrow afternoon as halfway through as by then I'll be done with all my tests).

Totally looking forward to Friday...but I also have to be mostly moved out by then so definitely not looking forward to having to pack, etc and then live out of a suitcase for a weekend before I have to do so for all summer.....

Also, I'm totally digging this song right now as a study tool/relaxation song. Enjoy.

Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition (Directors Cut HD) from Daniel Eskils on Vimeo.

Stuck in My Head....

I love Sufjan so much. His music has been a fixture on my iTunes and iPod for years now and while studying this song has seen a lot of play...I'm not too sure why, I just love how raw it is, especially when viewed in contrast to some of his other music on the Illinoise Album (not misspelled btw).

Where I'm living for the summer!

Now if only I could find a way to pay.....

Sorry

about the no posts lately. I've been really good about blogging lately but I have been overrun with my workload lately. I'm just fighting to keep my head above water right now.

Hopefully things will calm down soon. And I think they will...or maybe that's just my optimism shining through.

Alas.

...

This book is my life and then some today.

And I fear its about to bleed into the rest of my week. And into next week. Oh joy.

And to you optimists out there: no, I do not think that people in Australia have bad days/weeks/months. Not like the one I am having/burgeoning on.

Quote...from one of my textbooks

Today the very word manliness seems quaint and obsolete. We are in the process of making the English language gender-neutral, and manliness, the quality of one gender, or rather, of one sex, seems to describe the essence of the enemy we are attacking, the evil we are eradicating.—Harvey Mansfield, Manliness

Yup

I've been defining my life in the moods of the music I've been listening to as of late. I don't know how I feel about this.

Nonetheless, I find it interesting.

And I don't think two of my dreams are going to happen and I think I'm oddly ok with that.

My Anthem for the Day

Oren Lavie - Her morning elegance from Mimì on Vimeo.

I want to be able to make a beautiful movie like this someday.

Ugh....I need this

So yea...I need this. Like bad. Its on HUGE discount. And it would allow me to actually make some money on the side....maybe I can afford it over the summer........

>.<

http://www.academicsuperstore.com/products/Adobe/Creative+Suite+Design+Premium/1391229

Swamped at school/life/work/the universe like WOAH.

Also, I've begun saying "like woah" a lot....

And I've begun drinking coffee again. >.<

Yay for all-nighters! I think I've done something like 7 this semester. D:

Shoes

One of my favorite companies right now is TOMS Shoes. They have a great business model where they make cheap yet durable shoes that when you buy one you also buy one for someone in a third world country without one. They call this 1-for-1 and it is AWESOME.

Today, they're doing the coolest thing ever!




So go today without shoes. It's really interesting.

Now Playing....

Getting Emotional

So, yesterday I did something that I am not too proud of but that was necessary nonetheless.

I told my dad off. Hard.

I usually try to keep my emotions in check and as such I have never really allowed myself to get angry at him unless I am alone. I never get truly angry or upset, or really anything at all. I know how dangerous it is to become too emotionally invested in a situation and lose your head and so I keep myself at a distance always so I know that I can limit the damage my emotions do to people. Obviously this isn't always a foolproof plan but I think nonetheless it is a plan that has worked for me and that I can live with.

(Note, the following story is biased...I can't help it but I'm trying not to be too bad....)

Yesterday though, I got caught up in the moment. My dad was telling my Mom off for not picking him up sooner to take him to pick up his car as he had taken it in to get the tires changed. But, my brother was off at a band competition so she was attending this with him (and I as I am hope for the week). My dad called telling her to come pick him up because his car was ready. She told him that he had to wait because she was helping my brother's band and was about to watch his show. She reminded him that she had told him that the earliest time she could do this was at about 6. It was 5.

He proceeded to tell her off and then hang up the phone on her.

We finished watching my brother's show and helping the band and immediately left (as in 3 minutes or less after his show ended not staying for awards). We raced over to our house to pick him up. On the way I called to tell him that we were close and to ask that he wait for us outside to expedite the process as we had to get back to my brother who needed to be picked up in about 20 minutes.

When we arrived, he wasn't outside.

After calling him again and getting ignored (2 rings...come on) he leisurely walked outside.

I don't fully remember this part...I apologize.

He was criticizing her inability to be available to pick him up earlier and she replied (rather harshly) that he should have simply stayed nearby as it only took about an hour and a half.

He replied saying that it had been longer. (I don't know how long it was but it did not seem to be longer than 2 hours at the most).

He proceed to criticize her for reasons not related to picking him up and she got upset.

Here, I responded chastising him for being inept at being able to understand the most basic needs of his family and subsequently his inability to be a proper father.

He responded with harsh criticism to my Mother on how poorly she raised me as evidenced by my lack of respect for him.

I replied (yelling) chastising him for being an unfit father and an even worse husband for his constant belittling of my Mother and his utter disregard for other people. Ultimately ending by saying that "I do respect people, but only people who deserve respect, which you obviously do not". I continued by saying that "I cannot wait until you [my dad] move to Texas [as he is doing within the next 2 months for a job] so I never have to see your sorry face again".

Not my smartest moment. My heart was racing and I could feel the adrenaline pulse through my body...my hands were shaking and even as I type it is hard to stop them from shaking.

He proceeded to belittle my attack by chastising my Mother again and making a belittling and childlike "uuuh" he does whenever I lambast him for his poor parenting in a poor attempt to slough it off.

We rode the rest of the 5 minutes in utter silence as I shook with rage attempting to stop myself from continuing my bombardment, my Mother drove in silent solemnity and my father I hope sat in silence reflecting on his poor decisions in parenting.

So yea, I kinda messed that one up.

While I keep my emotions in check in general, I simply cannot do so when my father is involved or when someone attacks my Mother. I wish I could if only to avert moments like this but I know that these moments come few and far between and also it is my deep caring for my Mother that drives this and I don't want to lose that.

So, I have to figure out what to do. I know that I ruined this relationship (due to this and many other smaller incidents) but at the same time I can't help but think that I can't be held at fault for this.

True, my hatred of my father is unbridled. But, it isn't ok that I unleash such rage on my father. Depsite this though, he treated my Mother, brother, and I so horribly through his psychological and verbal attacks that I have lost all respect for him. You simply cannot treat a human as dirt as long as he has without some sort of animosity appearing. Moreover, I know that I have deep-seated psychological issues that I can trace to him and cannot hope to address at any point in the near future much less what he did to my Mother or brother.

So, what am i to do? Simply live with the fact that I completely emasculated my father and despise him to the point that I hope I never see him again and that he lives alone for the rest of his life?

Does anyone deserve the thought I have for him? Or should I take a good-hard look at myself and how I have reacted to him and contemplate what I deserve in my treatment of the situation....

What's an existential college student to do?

Coding!

So, I hope you enjoy the new template for the blog. I stole the base design (as evidenced from the bottom tag. But, I did some creative edits (not going to explain here as it is quite boring).

But, I am going to be tweaking it for a while because I'm not completely sold on it just yet...who knows, the layout may completely change by tomorrow. I'm not sure right now.

Music.....

My Failblog

Alas, I have failed you again my dear reader(s). I always assume that I have the wherewithal to use a blog and post to it properly and to ensure that it acts as it should (in my mind) as a place to openly fulfill some vain act of catharsis and exhibitionism at the same time. But, my life always seems to get in the way.

I always get too busy...or say that I am. And then fall to other more meaningless attempts at catharsis and exhibitionism in an attempt to achieve the same effect that blogging gives me.

But I feel so empty when I do these other activities as they do not inherently have the same mixture of catharsis and exhibitionism that blogging has.

Why then can I not simply blog?

I believe it stems from some psychological issue. I simply do not feel as if anybody really cares. And if they do, then they should not care about what goes on in my life.

I know that this sounds like a vain attempt to guilt someone in helping me or in giving me the satisfaction to know that I am loved, and loved dearly.

This isn't though.

Simply, this is the hidden nihilist within all of us rearing its ugly head. And now that he has had his time to kvetch he shall go dormant for another few months until his next moment of nihilism must be satiated.



On a better note: I recently spent almost all day with a HUGE hero of mine Ms Jacqueline Novogratz. She is breathtaking and a huge inspiration. Please read up about her. Her story is one for the ages and something everyone should read.

Thoughts on the Day/Life/Whatever

So, I made a resolution to blog more...and I have found that a bit tiring. It's 12:30 and I haven't done all of my reading for tomorrow (it's not going to happen. I wish it could but it can't...I will be close though.) but I am blogging. Also, I have been quite of an insomniac as of late and subsequently feel as if I should not blog in that state of mind if only out of principle.

Then I realized one of the reasons that I wanted to blog in the first place: to complete some form of catharsis and reflect on the day. With the ultimate hope of freeing my mind a bit and allowing me to focus more clearly on the tasks at hand.

And well, I haven't quite been using it for that. I think I have simply used blogging as a way of affording my life some type of summary or assigning myself tasks to complete in an attempt to better myself.

Quite the opposite of what I wanted to do.

So, here goes.

School--as of late at least--has sucked. I have been focused on the summer and finding some form of internship and my future rather than school. And while it has been the first week, and thus I almost feel entitled to this, I know that I have not been giving school my best.

But, this has also given me quite a lot to do. I have 6 pages of papers for next week, have over 100 pages to read, and several hundred other menial tasks to complete.

And that is just week 1.

I think the main problem is that I have not been focused. I didn't prepare myself mentally for this semester. And I know I should have. This happens every year. But having such a weird schedule does not help either. I don't have class on Friday. and I only have 1 class on Monday and Wednesday, and that starts at 3. So, why bother doing anything before this?

I know I have to. And I will. It's just that...I don't really see any point yet. I feel as if everything is due next week and so that should be when I push myself to the limits.

Sigh.

But I also know that that is not me. I must push myself and I must find a way to motivate myself. I just don't want to right now.....

Ok, now I sound a bit too whiney. I think its time to stop.

Just know, I will get my act together. And it will be soon. And when that time comes, the would should be ready because I will be working faster and better than I ever have been. I feel a motivation stirring just under the surface of my mind that I have never felt before. This will be my semester. I know it.

WHAT!?

4 BLOGS IN 2 DAYS!!!!! I'M ON A ROLL!!!!!!

Ok, but really. I have taken my Project365 idea very seriously. So, to ensure that I followed through on it I decided to approach it by thinking of what I want out of my project or out of this year in general.

I want to live a better life.

I want to live as a better person.

I want to be willing to accept someone as a part of my life and have a real relationship. (Shocking, I know)

I want to become better at things that I'm not that good at right now.

I want to be happy.

I want a good job in the future and to pursue it.

I want to do well in school.

I want to be more financially secure.

I know that it's a lot. I know that I seem quite needy from all these "wants" but I truly want to work at living a better life. As such, I think I have found my second (or first depending on your view) Project365. I will do something new each day to make my life better.

It can be something as easy as waking up earlier, or eating breakfast. But ultimately, I want to end my project with 365 new additions to my life that make it better and more meaningful.

As such, I am launching a new blog. It's going to be called My Resolution Today. Through this blog, I will track my progress with my new resolutions and hopefully find some help and ideas on the way.

So please, take the time out of your day to help me out there. The link is on the right (or will be soon depending on when you are reading this).

And thanks for reading.

P.S. I'm thinking of changing the name of my blog. Let me know if you have any ideas.

Project365

So, I'm working on it....but in the mean time a friend and I are developing this.

It looks promising...especially once we get started on actually doing it.

I am taking suggestions for my real Project365...maybe a resolution a day or something...idk.

Also...

I want to start 2 Project 365s....

I just don't know what I want them to be quite yet nor how I will document them...stay tuned though.

On Why I Don't Blog And Why I Should

So, I've had this blog for quite some time and I don't really use it. I'm sorry my one fan, you do mean a lot to me...I swear.

I just don't believe I live an interesting life. Rather, I believe I live a rather average life and when I realize that I have done something awesome I forget how awesome it was (case in point: Kenya).

But I know that I should blog. I know that it is an overplayed form on online communication and nobody really cares (Again, sorry one fan but really, you have better things to do).

Nonetheless, I feel as if our world, specifically our digital world is losing its humanity. It used to be that on online journal could be read by thousands of individuals simply because a person was doing it. Now, in order to have a blog with more than one frequent viewer, you have to be blogging about something interesting, keep it short and at the same time update it frequently with links so that maybe somehow random people will stumble upon your blog and you can encourage them to be followers of your blog.

I say no.

So, this is is my resolution (late I know but whatever): I will work on blogging more often about my live, loves, etc in this new year. If for nothing else, so Blogger doesn't simply decide to delete my blog in order to save server space.

But really, this si something that I want to do, I've always wanted to do. I simply need to get off my butt and do it.

So please, if you do read this, comment. Let's turn this into a conversation about my life and loves incorporating your life and loves rather than simply a weird college student's musing on life.