Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Can't Sleep...Regret?

I can't sleep, even though every fiber of me is exhausted. I don't quite know why. I heard once that taking an inventory of your life and your to do's when you can't sleep helps.

This is a lie.

It doesn't help that I'm currently obsessed with a song about regret and moving on. I don't really know why either. My life is starting to get back together after months of living in limbo (getting fired from a job I thought I loved).

I'm working with amazing and ridiculously inspiring people in a position which I feel grossly underqualified for though I also feel as if I can do it better than anybody else. My finances will be better than they ever have been in less than a month. I'm moving in with my best friend in the near future (1-2 months we're predicting). Why then am I listening to a song which makes me bawl like I haven't in almost a year with the following lyrics:

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

I guess that I'm terrified of falling back into the slump I was in for so long...I guess I feel as if I'm overcompensating...that somehow in the next 2 months something will happen and I will be worse off than I was a month ago. My particular brand of neuroses though I KNOW has absolutely no base in fact. 

And yet, for some reason I am sitting here at 3AM unable to sleep, wallowing in my own self-doubt just knowing that I will go back to that despite my reason telling me that that is impossible. (Worst part of the English language depicted right there: "that that" ugh.) 

I guess, I just didn't realize that the real world, whatever that is would be so hard. I guess I thought that things would work out. That adage I grew up being told as self-evident (You will go to college, you will get a good paying job, you will live a good and comfortable life) is a lie. And now I find myself wondering if I'm alone in this struggle. I know I can't be, the unemployment and underemployment rates amongst my peers (21-25 year-old recent graduates) tells me so; yet, I cannot but feel alone in this struggle. 

Ideally, things will get better and I have to believe that they will. Reason tells me it will. Reason tells me that what I am experiencing is simply a sociological concept of called anomie. Wherein a person has reduced ties to society and feels alone despite not being so (an issue that is extremely prevalent in modern urban areas truth be told although many argue it isn't). 

Reason tells me I'm wrong. My heart tells me to brace for the worst. I guess that's why I'm so obsessed with this song... 
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope

And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Note: Song lyrics courtesy of "Shake it Out" - Florence and the Machine as performed by the Cast of Glee. 

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